Monday, June 22, 2009

The Do's and Don'ts to Dating in Argentina


There are many ways to start a blog post, especially when it's about something you're passionate about. However, on the topic of dating in Argentina, I think the best way to do it is with an anecdote. True story.

It was around 8:30 AM on May 17th, 2009, and I had just been dumped and kicked out of my girlfriend's house after a record-setting short stay of 2 nights, and with no real explanation as to why. Confused, homeless, and heartbroken I went to go crash at a youth hostel that I had worked at some months earlier. As I sat at the wobbly, green lacker-covered table in the briskly chilly empty living room, I could barely keep it together. With my head slumped in a mix of confusion, rage, and "what the fuck now" thoughts, I barely noticed the room, the guests, or even the fact that I was wearing gym shorts in 40 degree temps.

At that moment, my friend Bob, and American who's been living in Argentina for around 6 years stopped mid-track on his way to the coffee machine and tapped me on the shoulder. "Girl trouble," he said, as if my look were a beacon of obviousness. "Argentine?," he followed. "Yup," I glumly replied. "What was it? Psychological breakdown? Ex-boyfriend fucking with her head?", he said. "Both" I replied. "Ahhh, that's nothing dude", said the svelte Nebraskan as he poured his coffee and shot me a grin, "this is Argentina, what did you expect? Now grab a cup coffee and perk up man, it's fucking Monday".

And that, in a nutshell, was the single best piece of advice I ever received on the psychological, rollercoaster-esque mind fuck that is dating in Buenos Aires. Period. The simple truth is that in a city teaming with passion, energy, anger, sadness, and beauty, nothing in the world of dating and relationships is easy. And I mean, NOTHING. The beauty of it, however, is that in an eerie way, you don't feel so bad because everyone goes through it.

In fact, until you've felt the deep love, unbridled lust, tragedy, deceit, anger, and confusion of this dating world, you truly haven't lived as a Porteño. To clarify in more specific terms, here's a list of "do's" and "don'ts" that will give you a rough guide on what to expect in your quest to find your one and only Argenhot lover, or at least get you laid a whole bunch:

(Note: I am referring to women because as a heterosexual man, that's who I date. Deal with it. And if you find it sexist, go fuck yourself. Don't read it.)

Do's and Don'ts


Do: Be aggressive when you meet an Argenhot for the first time. And I don't mean in the physically pushy or creepy way. Argenhots have an immensely powerful douche radar, and your half-hearted attempts of a little grab ass or an inappropriate comment will be met with either a harsh "no" or a swift taste of open-palmed justice. Trust me, you want neither. The trick is to be honest, confident, and charming.

If you're in a bar, buy her a drink, talk for 5 minutes, end with a compliment, and then let her get back to her friends. This shows you are interested but not desperate. Find her 15 minutes later and ask her how her night's going. Argenhots love attention, but hate being smothered. Also, if she smiles and asks you questions, compliments you in any way, or asks you to dance, you're in. Just roll with the flow and act like you knew this would happen all along.

Girls here are blunt if they aren't interested. Lean in for a kiss on the fist song after your return. Don't pussy around. This will work 90% of the time. Seriously. Then get the digits, tell her she's a good dancer (even if it's not true), and tell her you have to go. Unless she's really sending you sex vibes, don't invite her home yet. She'll feel a better sense of self worth, and the Argina will come in spades at a later date as a result of it. Trust me.

Don't: Be that guy. Buenos Aires has one of the highest douche to non-douche ratios of single men in the world. Like I said before, the women here are very in touch with this. It's also a major reason for their irrational emotional outbursts and short-term bouts with psychosis. By age 30, your typical Argenhot has weathered a pretty heavy storm of mental abuse, infidelity, feelings of physical insecurity, and worries about the future. That's some heavy shit, so be gentle. Or better yet, BE DIFFERENT ! Whistling, cat calls, ass pinching, and inappropriate suggestions are not only douchey, they're amateur, and every other ass in the city is doing it. It gets you nowhere.

Do: All the things your mother should have taught you in regards to traditional chivalry. Be a fucking gentleman, or try your best to do what you think a gentleman would do, even in the smallest of situations. Machismo is a big thing down here, and the sad thing is that men are still looked on by many from both sexes as the dominant party, or the protector. A douche uses this cultural norm to dominate or control a woman into doing whatever he wants. A gentleman uses this to show a woman that he is reliable, strong, and cares about her over himself. It's not rocket science.

Hold the door open when you enter a building or get into a cab, and let her in first. Also, speaking of cabs, use one when you go out on a date. "Let's take the bus", comes off as lame as it sounds, and shows that you don't even care enough to break your daily routine for her. If you're broke, cook for her or find something cheap, funky, and local, as to avoid the bus situation. In fact, do that even if you have Cristina Kirchner money. Once again, it shows you give a shit.

Pay for things that you invite her to. Don't fall into the trap of being Mr. Open Wallet, because Argenhots have a keen sense of how to take advantage of this. Learn how to be slick with it. Most likely, if they're in their 20's, your Argenhot lives with her family, is studying, and really doesn't have the cash to do the things they want to. Spoil her within your means, be creative, and take her out at least once a week to something she's never done before.

Think this is tough? Nope. Not in a city where 85% of the restaurants have the same menu, Brazilian music is considered "exotic", and clothing comes in 3 sizes. Be different, dick! Use the ol' google to find that percentage of the city that is over-the-rainbow different and unique. It's out there, you just need the stones to go look for it.

Don't: Tell them their friends are hot (and most likely they are). Instead, constantly tell them they are a "beautiful person", and not "you have a great ass" (they most likely do). Argenhots want to feel REAL, and want to be appreciated for who they are. The city is filled with a virtual army of hotness, so keep the "man her tits are great" conversations for you and your buddies when she's not around.

Also, when you're dating, IMMEDIATELY introduce them to all of your Platonic female friends. Argenhots are very competitive, and will constantly expect you to be cheating on them. They'll still be jealous and vindictive at the mere fact that you have ANY females friends to begin with, but at least they'll appreciate the gesture.

DO NOT
show them pictures, or discuss any irrelevant info about any of your ex's either. They will automatically become insecure, jealous, and angry. Plus, they'll give it back to you 10-fold when they show you the pics of some shirtless soccer player who used to long-dick them back in the slutty days and still facebooks them from time to time. You chose to date an Argenhot, so now she's the center of your world. PERIOD.

Do: Play the gringo card whenever possible. "What's a gringo?" you say. Down here it's simple. If you are from anywhere outside of Latin America, Africa, or Asia, you are. It basically means white-skinned foreigner. But in most cases it's referring to English speakers from countries with much stronger currencies and a distinctly different way of life. Argenhots LOVE gringos, whether they admit it or not. Mostly because we're different, foreign, and they think our accent's cute.

On the accent tip, there is one key rule to follow: LEARN FUCKING SPANISH ! They love your silly gringo accent, how you can't roll your R's, and how most of the past tenses confuse the shit out of you. That being said, if you can't communicate on even a basic level, they will lose interest quickly. True, some girls will speak a decent amount of English. But these are the girls that have traveled, studied in private schools, or actually lived in a gringo country. To them, you're old news, and unless you're super rich, they pretty much could care less.

Put a little effort in to it and don't be scared. You may sound like the gringo version of Fez from that 70's show, but believe it or not they think it's cute. I have no idea why, but I don't question it. Also, lingual fumblings and flirting go better together than peanuts and beer, so ham it up a bit, it's fun.

WARNING to FELLOW GRINGOS:
Do not commit to bringing a girl back to your home country, permanently staying in Argentina, or attempting a 6,000 mile long-distance relationship should you good back. This not only can be emotionally devastating to an Argenhot, but it's being dishonest with yourself. Save that "oh my God, what happens if we need to switch countries" conversation for at least 2 years into the relationship.

They know going into it that there is a good chance you'll be high-tailing it out of their currency disaster-laden city to greener financial pastures, or to get back to your family and friends. It's a tightrope you have to walk constantly as a gringo, and they know this. Just be careful, and be honest to both her and yourself. You should be cool.

Conclusion


In the end, dating in Argentina is a choice. In my opinion, Argentine women are the most beautiful, crazy, passionate, romantic, and hysterical women on earth. The truth is, I love it. True pleasure always comes with a little pain. Plus they're super hot. Google it. Have fun, and don't take life to seriously. You only have one. Gringo. Out.

17 comments:

  1. I wrote a comment but not quite sure it's been sent!

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  2. Ha! As a "gringo" living 15 years in Argentina, 3 kids later.....I totally agree! Thanks!

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  3. Ha! As a "gringo" living 15 years in Argentina, 3 kids later.....I totally agree! Thanks!

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  4. got to say i agree on what you have written but you should also warn about those argenhots professional victims, many of them as you rightfully say are severely mentally unstable and have a very bad psychosis. They pretend to be victims of abuse and will blame you for every last thing, and when you snap she has you as some kind of fucktard and not right in the head. Argentina is full of these creatures especially Buneas aires or la plata / miguel avoid these areas like the fucking plague, unless you want a padded cell. They are hated in europe for very good reason..no one likes them. It seems most spanish speaking women are all the same, i have never seen this in any other non spanish country..they are not inferior, they are rude, arrogant and have no concept of how to treat people..and if you get just 1cm they will trample all over you. But I would suggest to anyone in Argentina to avoid these places above, because the worst of all the trash are in those places..unless you going to for a fuck...is a fuck worth a major headache? just be careful.

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    Replies
    1. Please do not generalize. You probably met the wrong people in Argentina, in Buenos Aires and La plata. I'm really sorry you had that experience. =(

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  5. Hey! I am 19 yr old girl, from Argentina.
    I think this is great. So true!
    Just wanted to leave my opinion about this: "True, some girls will speak a decent amount of English. But these are the girls that have traveled, studied in private schools, or actually lived in a gringo country. To them, you're old news, and unless you're super rich, they pretty much could care less."
    I´m from a private school, and honestly i love foreign people in general. I found them really interesting, specially foreign guys obviously. I disagree with the thing you said about if you are not super rich, we couldn´t care less. It´s not about the money and Argentine girls are not all like that. Maybe the ones who have traveled they dont care bc they are used to foreign people, i agree on that.But don´t say that about the money as if every girl here is like that.
    Maybe i got it wrong, but just wanna make that point clear.
    As the rest of your post, i really liked it!

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    Replies
    1. I agree. Not all argenhot look for money. I think this is the same in every country you go. Some girls do, some doesn't care.

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  6. hahaha So so True! I showed this to my "cowboy".

    I loved the labeling of "argenhot" and the "gringo out" at the end. Also by the way we use more the "yanquee" instead of gringo wording here.

    The only parts I disagree a little is with the jealousy and psychosis because me and my friends are not like that. But I know we are minority and that is why I have so few female friends haha. Unfortunately women here are very insecure. That is true.

    And yes, we are a roller coaster.

    Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Great article!! I'm sharing it in twitter.

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  10. Thanks for the post and great tips..even I also think that hard work is the most important aspect of getting success..
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    ReplyDelete
  11. https://thisisargenhot.blogspot.com/2009/06/dos-and-donts-to-dating-in-argentina.html?showComment=1589118725282#c5122733856879639089

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